


At the End of the Road (I Still Can't Let You Go)

by katebishoop



Series: tumblr prompts [8]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Ghosts, Season/Series 03 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-22
Updated: 2016-02-22
Packaged: 2018-05-22 12:56:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6080235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katebishoop/pseuds/katebishoop
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bellamy Blake has never believed in himself, but somehow, Clarke always has.</p><p>But now she's just more blood on his hands.<br/>--<br/>Written before 3x06.<br/>Spoilers for Season 3.</p>
            </blockquote>





	At the End of the Road (I Still Can't Let You Go)

**Author's Note:**

> **anonymous (always-bespoke) asked:** But also like. Bellarke to the story of Boyz II Men's End of the Road where 'end of the road' is literal and one of them is dying. Honestly I just keep hearing songs and my mind automatically creates Bellarke scenes for them. I'm not okay right now.
> 
> I had no idea what to do for this one, and then 3x05 happened. This is nothing but pain, by the way. You’ve been warned. 
> 
> Welcome to the Worst Case Scenario™.

When Clarke had connected the shock baton to his gut, all the air had been sucked out of his lungs. Black spots danced in front of his eyes, his throat felt cracked and dry; the pain had been enough to knock him out.

The pain he was feeling now? It felt sort of like that - like your whole being left your body with your scream.

It felt sort of like that, only a billion times worse.

* * *

“I saw you in the woods with Atom, I know you’re not a killer.” Clarke pleaded with him. “Bellamy… don’t do this, don’t do this- DON’T - _BELLAMY_ -”

Her voice was like a knife through the angry mob, but it wasn’t enough. He still had kicked the box out from under Murphy.

_“How could-!”_

“This is on _you_ , Princess!” He shouted right back at her. “You should have kept your mouth shut!”

**...**

Bellamy’s eyes widened at the bomb Raven had just dropped on him, and the word tentatively slipped from his lips: “What?”

“You’re a lousy shot.” Raven snorted.

“Bellamy,” Clarke was in front of him now, “Don’t you see what this means? You’re not a murderer. You always did what you had to do to protect your sister. _That’s_ who you are.” The look in her eyes - that sheer determination, the honesty in her belief - it makes him have to look away. “And you can do it again, by protecting three hundred of your people.”

Then she asked again: “Where’s the radio?”

Bellamy swallowed. “It’s too late.”

**...**

Bellamy felt the storm on his skin, but it was nothing compared to her.

“Look, this is not who we are.” She sounded disappointed. She looked that way, and so did his sister, but.

“It is now.”

**...**

He stumbled towards her - she was clutching her side, he needed to make sure.

“You’re okay.” Clarke panted. She sounded as if she was reassuring herself as much as she was reassuring him.

“No, I’m not.” Bellamy said. He couldn’t handle this. He couldn’t. “My mother… if she knew what I had done...who I am…” Bellamy swallowed. “She raised me to be better, to be good....”

“Bellamy-”

“And all I do is hurt people.” Bellamy sniffled. “I’m a monster."

“Hey,” Clarke shifted next to him, her voice shaky. “You saved my life today. And you may be a total ass half the time, but…” Clarke paused, a breath: “I need you.” Bellamy couldn’t help but finally meet her eyes. “We all need you. None of us would have survived this place if it wasn’t for you.”

He can’t meet her eyes for long, it’s too much. It has always been too much with her.

“You want forgiveness? Fine, I’ll give it to you. You’re forgiven, okay?” She’s slowly but surely pulling him back. “But you can’t run, Bellamy. You have to come back with me. You have to face it.”

Bellamy licked his lips. They tasted like copper and rust and dirt. “Like you faced your mom?”

Clarke shifted uncomfortably next to him; he knew he hit a nerve. He had meant to.

“You’re right,” She conceded. “I don’t want to face my mom. I don’t want to face any of it. All I think about every day is how we’re going to keep everyone alive. But we don’t have a choice.”

“Jaha will kill me when he comes down.”

“We’ll figure something out.”

She sounds so sure of herself, that he almost believed her. “Can we figure it out later?”

“Whenever you’re ready.”

**...**

“Mr. Blake,” Jaha begun, and Bellamy had already wanted to run again. “I’ve wanted to talk to you for some time now.”

Clarke placed a hand on his arm and squeezed gently, like she had read his thoughts. “Before you do I-” She glanced at him. “I’d like to say something.”

He can’t believe what comes next.

“When you sent us down here, you sent us to die.” Clarke begun, “But miraculously, most of us are still alive. In large part that is because of him. Because of Bellamy.” They made eye contact, and it doesn’t feel like too much for him, not in that moment. She has his back. “He’s one of us, and he deserves to be pardoned of his crimes just like the rest of us.”

**...**

“Copy that.” Her voice is static, but it’s there and it’s real and he doesn’t want to go.

“Yeah?”

“You came through.” Clarke said. “I knew you would.”

_“I thought you hated that plan,” he had said, the last time he had seen her, “that I’d get myself killed.”_

_“I was being weak. It’s worth the risk.” He had never seen her so cold before, as stoic as stone._

“All I’ve done so far is not get killed.” He tried not to sound resentful; he doesn't know if he succeeded.

“Keep doing that.”

**...**

“This isn't who you are.” She said, and yet another thing inside him snaps.

He doesn’t feel the same flutter in his chest like he used too. The statement doesn’t stir something within him. Her belief, to him, feels flat. It’s been three months; she has no idea who he is anymore. He has no idea who she is, either.

“You're wrong. This is who I've always been, and I let you and Octavia and Kane convince me that we could trust these people when they have shown over and over who they are, and I won't let anyone else die for that mistake.”

"Bellamy..." Clarke searched his face, looking for something that wasn't there. " _I need you_ , and we don't have much time."

Bellamy couldn't believe this. "You _need_ me?"

"Yes. I do. I need the guy who wouldn't let me pull that lever in Mount Weather by myself."

_"What we did." He pressed. Because, no. He couldn't lose her too. "You don't have to do this alone."_

_"I bear it so they don't have to."  Clarke echoed Dante's words, and he wonders if she's remembering pulling the trigger._

"You left me." She didn't bear it for them, he placed it all on him. He had to take care of all of them - who was there for him? Together. They were supposed to have been in this together. "You left everyone."

_"Bellamy..."_

"Enough, Clarke." Bellamy snapped. He won't let her do this. He won't let her waltz back in here and act like nothing's changed. "You are not in charge here, and that's a good thing because people die when you're in charge." He can see the moment Clarke had realized that she lost him. "You were willing to let a _bomb_ drop on my sister-" One month after she had left, Octavia had found him, drunk and crying, mourning someone who was still alive. His sister had screamed at him, about how he needed to pull himself together, how he needed to move on. She had told him about TonDC. He had been done mourning after that. "-Then you made a deal with Lexa, who left us in Mount Weather to die and forced us to kill everyone who helped us, people who _trusted_ me."

He wanted a plan that wouldn't kill everyone. There were children in there, for God's sake. And he made the decision, his sister over them, but. Had Clarke even tried to come up with a way? Or was had she already gone grounder at that point? Had she already traded _may we meet again_ for _blood must have blood_?

"I... I'm sorry. I'm sorry for leaving." Bellamy couldn't help but freeze. Even after all that time, even after everything they've been through, he can't take the sound of her voice breaking. He can't stand to see her cry. "I knew I could because they had you."

He couldn't help the pull either. He went to her, and kneeled down in front of her, grasped her hand. The last time he had touched her, she had been tied up. He had been so relieved then, so overcome with joy at seeing her alive. Their thumbs ghosted over each other's wrists now, like they were checking for each other's pulse, like they had to reassure themselves that the other wasn't going to disappear.

She gives him this smile, but all he can do is stare.

"I know we can fix this."

After all this time, after everything he's just said to her, after everything he's just thrown in her face, she still believes in him.

Too bad he doesn't, anymore.

"I'm sorry, too."

It took Clarke a moment to grasp what he had done. "Hey. No. Don't." She pleaded, yanking on the cuffs. "No. _Bellamy,_ don't. God…"

* * *

_"Believe it or not, I am doing this for your own good."_

Those were the last words he had said to her.

He never got to forgive her; he never got to give her that. He never got to tell her - tell her that he loved her, despite everything that she's done, despite the distance between them, despite everything.

He never got the chance to prove her right.

* * *

He was standing on the wall, next to Pike. There is an army before them, thousands, but they have both the high ground and superior weaponry. 

The war drums are sounding, but no one moves yet. Lexa came through the crowd on her horse, and dismounted on the front line.

If only she was a little closer, then he would have put a bullet through her bindi.

He's not prepared for what comes next.

Someone is pushed to their feet in front of her, a bag over their head.

"JUS DREIN, JUS DAUN." Lexa shouted, and it is picked up by the army, a chant, a war cry.

And then she removed the hood, and the war stands still.

_My people believe that when you kill someone, you get their power. Kill Wanheda, and you command death._

"No." It's barely a whisper from his lips. No, it wasn't possible. "No, _NO-_ "

Lexa swung her sword, and felt it tearing through him as it tore through her.

_"CLARKE!"_

* * *

He had told her once, in an attempt at reassurance: _who we are, and who wee need to be to survive, are two very different things._

What a lie that had been. 

* * *

"You were right," Clarke told him, "I shouldn't have trusted her again."

Bellamy didn't answer, but he didn't need too. She always seemed to be able to read his thoughts.

"I'm not leaving again."

"You already have." He snaps. He couldn't help it this time.

"That's not your fault," She tries to reach out to him, but as always, there's a barrier - she can't touch him.

"I trusted Pike-"

"And I trusted Lexa!" Clarke says, "A leader does what they think is right. We were doing what we thought we had to do."

"Who we are-"

"Don't say it!" He jerks away from her. "Don't..."

"I forgive you."

" _DON'T._ " He screams, and the next thing he knows, he's throwing things at her: books, clothes, tools - his gun even. But it all goes right through her. "You're dead because of me." Tears are stinging in his eyes. "You're dead because of the choices I made."

She had made no sound when Lexa had executed her, she was just looking up, towards the people she was leaving behind. He had felt like she was looking directly at him.

"Why are you even here?" He is so, so tired. He can feel the weight in his bones, heavy, like they are calling him back to the Earth, to a grave. To her grave. (Did she even get a grave? What happened to her body? Had the battle swept it away?) "If you forgive me, then why are haunting me?"

"I can't lose you, Bellamy." Clarke sighs. "Even in death, I can't lose you too."

* * *

"So, what, we... we give up, let him kill her?" Bellamy pushed himself away from the tree. The memory of Clarke was seared into his brain - her wide eyes, the sound of her voice - begging, pleading - trying to exchange her life for his. 

He wouldn't let her die for him.

"Bellamy, I want to find her, too, but look at your leg." Monty's at his side as Bellamy stumbled. "You could die out here. We have no trail-"  
  
"-CAN'T LOSE CLARKE!" Bellamy shouted, with such force that it surprised even him. He looked back at Monty, like he could fix everything, like getting him to understand would fix everything. "We... We can't lose her."

He had had her back for less than a minute. Their  _may we meet again_ couldn't be that short.

* * *

Bellamy doesn't remember the battle. His vision went red as soon as Lexa's sword came down. He remembers the feeling of his heart being ripped from his chest, of his voice searing his throat like acid fog. 

He remembers hands holding him back, to keep him from jumping off the wall. He remembers being knocked out.

When he woke, he had hoped that it was a bad dream, that it all had just been a bad dream- but it hadn't been. The bodies that covered the field proved that. They hadn't won, but the hadn't lost either. A stalemate. A retreat. 

_We've been at war since we landed._

He felt hollow, empty, like a zombie.

And then Pike had a put a hand on his shoulder, and then he snapped.

It took several guards to pull him off Pike before he could kill him, but not before Bellamy had tore out one of the man's eyes.

* * *

_"I can't lose you too."_

_"Together."_

_"If you need forgiveness, I'll give that to you. You're forgiven."_

_"I'll do anything... I'll stop fighting. Just please don't kill him."_

_"We... we can't lose her."_

_"I need you."_

_"I'm sorry."_

* * *

He was going to get Clarke back. He would be like Orpheus, he would travel to hell and lead Eurydice out of the Underworld - only he wouldn't look back.

_when you kill someone, you get their power_

Lexa had killed Clarke, she had taken Clarke's power. So he was going to kill Lexa. 

He was going to kill Lexa, and then he'd have Clarke back.

* * *

This was not the first time he had disguised himself as the enemy for Clarke, it wasn't even the second.

The first time had been his idea, but at her refusal, and then at her insistence. He went, to save their friends, and tried not to think of the pain her parting words had caused her.

The second time, it had been to save her. He couldn't just wait around, letting her get farther and farther away. He had to find her - he would do anything to find her. To save her.

This time, the third time, it is for revenge. For vengeance, for penance.  _Blood must have blood_. He had rolled his eyes at the grounder belief, when he first heard it. But it's all he has left. He won't let anyone else let claim to her. He won't her be a pawn in this war she had tried to prevent.

**...**

He thinks of Lincoln, in that moment: _he had me, but he was too aggressive_. He should have learned that lesson by now.

He was on his back, again, with a sword point to his throat. But this time it was Lexa who stood over him.

Clarke was next to him again, pleading and pleading like she had done before. But she had no life to offer in exchange this time, and Bellamy was the only one who could hear her.

"Love is weakness." Lexa said. "She died for hers, and now you will die for yours."

But he wasn't going down without a fight.

* * *

"I don't know if I can forgive you for this."

"That makes two of us."

"You over me - every time; it was supposed to be you. You were the one of us that was worth saving."

"You're the only one who believed that."

"I... I wish you knew how good of a person you are."

"Were."

"Please, don't do this."

"It's too late for that."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry, too."

**Author's Note:**

> I am Not Okay.
> 
> come hang out over on [tumblr](http://bellakeyblake.tumblr.com)!


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